if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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