I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you have to choose: penises or morals?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
