Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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