Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
