She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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