from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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