If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
