Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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