So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
