she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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