why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
