if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
