everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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