nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
