Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
