This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
