You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
