my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
