ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
