I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
