Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
