I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
