at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
