I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
