I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
home. puking in laundry basket.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
