Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Randomize
