just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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