seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
