they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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