a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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