if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
