I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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