Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
