Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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