it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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