I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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