My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
