Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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