I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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