Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
