I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
