If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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