Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
