but the lizard people decide everything anyway
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
