So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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