I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
