I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Do vagina's smell?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
