i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
