tell your sister to shave her snatch
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
