I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
