he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
