if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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